Humorous Quotations on Parenting and Children
page VI

I think we're seeing in working mothers a change from 'Thank God it's Friday' to 'Thank God it's Monday.' If any working mother has not experienced that feeling, her children are not adolescent.

Ann Diehl

 

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Fran Lebowitz

 

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Erma Louise Bombeck

 

Part of the reason for the ugliness of adults, in a child's eyes, is that the child is usually looking upwards, and few faces are at their best when seen from below.

George Orwell (1903-50), British writer, "Animal Farm,"

 

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it.

Buddy Hackett, American Comedian

 

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts], Saturday Night Live

 

When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted, "She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge."

Helen Hayes (b. 1900), American actress

 

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Erma Bombeck

 

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned how to dance, waiting in line for the bathroom.

Bob Hope

 

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids.

Jill Bensley

 

You' re not famous until my mother has heard of you.

Jay Leno

 

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids.

Jill Bensley

 

Child rearing myth #1: Labor ends when the baby is born.

Unknown

 

A lot of growing up takes place between "It fell" and "I dropped it."

Anonymous

 

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

Jean Kerr (b. 1923), American author, playwright

 

"The Good-bye"

When I took my older daughter to college, I was so focused on the logistical task of moving her belongings, I didn't really think about what I was really doing: moving her out of my life and into the start of hers. After spending the last half decade prowling the house at night, wondering where she was and what she was doing and with whom she was doing it, we were now entering a phase where I would never know these things. No curfew, no way to interview and fail her dates, no opportunity to offer constructive criticism when needed, which was, in my opinion, constantly. 

Looking at my daughter, I saw my little girl in a woman's body, tall and strong but unfinished, not ready. Or maybe it was I who was not ready-I certainly felt unsure as she walked us to the parking lot for the final good-bye. How was this natural, to drive my daughter to this strange place, write fifty checks, and then drive away, leaving her in the hands of strangers with whom I shared nothing but the contents of my bank account? Her whole life I had protected her from harm, a job that did not in any way feel done. 

I tried to give her some advice in a rush. "Walk to each of your classes before the first day," I told her. "Time your-self so you know how long it takes. Get up and eat break-fast every morning, no matter what." These are things I never did myself. 

She nodded, grateful, I think, not for the words, which she would ignore anyway, but the act itself, a familiar ritual for her to cling to in an otherwise alien experience.

And then we were there by the car. My wife hugged her and sobbed as if our daughter were leaving on a boat for the New World.

"Write," my wife urged.
"I'll write," my daughter agreed.
"Call."
"I'll call."
"Study," I suggested. No one responded
.

from "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter" by W. Bruce Cameron  

 

In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television

Erma Bombeck 

 

The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes, naturally no one wants to live any other way.

Judith Martin 

 

Nothing is more characteristically juvenile than contempt for juvenility. . . youth's characteristic chronological snobbery

C. S. Lewis An Experiment In Criticism

 


 

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