Humorous Quotations on Parenting and Children
page II

Always obey your parents - when they are present.

Mark Twain


One of my children wrote in a third-grade piece on how her mother spent her time…. “one-half time on home, one-half time on outside things, one-half time writing.”

Charlotte Montgomery


By the time a girl becomes a teenager, her parents are so old that she cannot do anything with them.



A teenager is always too tired to hold a dishcloth, but never too tired to hold a phone.



There's nothing wrong with teenagers that trying to reason with them won't aggravate.



Here is this baby and he refuses to eat his solid food. ("Solid" in this case is a euphemism for "squishy.") Are you a failure as a parent? Is he a failure as a baby? Is the pediatrician a failure as a pediatrician? Would the baby rather have a hot pastrami sandwich? This brings us to the primary rule of baby raising, which is the solution to this and all subsequent problems. This rule must be followed faithfully, and practiced regularly, and you should make it a habit to repeat it to yourself ten times a day. It is the _Golden Rule_ of raising babies. LIE. Lie to your mother, lie to your sisters and aunts, and above all, lie to all the other mothers you meet on the street. When a newer mother than you asks for your help. tell her you never had the least trouble. Your baby just loved his mashed bananas on the first try.

Elinor Goulding Smith, The Complete Book of Absolutely Perfect Baby and Child Care (1957)


By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Charles Wadsworth


The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Clarence Darrow


Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.

Ogden Nash


A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.



There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone to do it, or forbid your children from doing it.

Monta Crane


I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

Harry S. Truman


Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Red Skelton


People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.  

Leo J. Burke


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