Humorous Quotations on Parenting and Children
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Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.



The beauty of “spacing” children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones—which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.

Sydney J Harris "Leaving the Surface"


When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in 7 years.

Mark Twain


When you are dealing with a child, keep all your wits about you, and sit on the floor.

Austin O'malley


A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

Ronald Knox


The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

George Carlin


It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm.The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money.

Elinor Goulding Smith


We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller


The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.

Shannon Fife


The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.

John Fiebig


A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.



Children are gleeful barbarians.

Joseph Morgenstern, 1968


If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Ed Dussault


If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Dave Barry


And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

Woody Allen


Ask the young, they know everything!



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